WHAT A DIFFERENCE HALF A DECADE CAN MAKE

I know its been a while since I was last here, I have been great, just busy and lost touch with the blog

on to today's topic: THANK YOU GOD -- THANK YOU GOD -- THANK YOU GOD!

Five years ago today I was broke, homeless, destitute, sick and tired. I made a decision on that day that I couldn't continue on like I was. I was fresh out of the hospital from overdosing, walked back to a drug house that I stayed at from time to time and made the decision that I couldn't keep doing this. In the grass outside, I was crying looking up to the sky and begging God to either take me or help me stop.

Later that day I landed in a detox unit where I stayed for a couple days. Once I was released from there, again homeless I called the Fern House and begged for help. I entered the program (which did not mean much as I had entered 26 other programs before) and started on a ride.

That ride wasn't believed by anyone (myself especially) to be a long one. I had "tried" so many times before. I had no faith in myself, and VERY few had any faith in me (for good reason). To this day I don't understand why I didn't get involved in the crap that was going on in that program, the crap I had always been in the center of before.....but I didn't.

I found someone to help guide me, but had done that before. He gave me suggestions...which for the VERY first time, I followed. I have not looked back since. I worked, and continue to work on myself and improved my attitude about myself, other people and life itself. Most importantly I found a relationship with God. There is still MUCH more to be done, but you will never hear me complain about where my life is today.

In the last five years, I have gone back to school, been certified (not certifiable) to work in the addictions field as a primary therapist, spent almost four of those years working with other people like me trying to help teach them a new way to live their lives. Today I have the pleasure of working at that same facility that helped turn my life around! The Fern House continues today to guide me as I get to first hand watch people get themselves in that same stupid stuff I used to involve myself in, and occasionally get to watch someone eyes suddenly get bright as they get it.

Everyday as I start to pull myself together and get ready for whatever turn this roller-coaster is gonna take today, I think back to the last moments of my fathers life....the last words I heard him say to me: "I'm proud of you." I had not given him any reason to say those words to me in so many years, the fact that those were the last words he said to me resonate in my head every day. They help to drive me in my adventurers, they make me want to work harder at my job so someone else can maybe hear those words too.

The moral of this rants story is simple, if there is something troubling you...something you just cant beat, the problem is probably from within you which means you can't solve it....you will need something a little bit higher than you, so look up!

Here's hoping all your faces have smiles today

On the mend

Well, I would say I am getting better, I guess. My leg feels fine again, I guess my diagnosis and cure of walking around the Walmart was just the trick. The only lingering sympton is a pain in my gut when ever I move. That could go away any time now, but I guess I am stuck with it. When I twist certian directions I can see the mesh that they sewed into me bulging out a bit. I dont know if that is normal because Uncle Google didnt tell me, but if anyone know I would appreciate an answer to that.

Tommorow I have a meeting of my Board of Directors, then Wednesday I go back to the surgeon for my follow up. If you dont have the answer to that question, I will boggle his mind with it.

So I was sent a picture today, a fat picture that is. I thought I would show the drastic change I have made in my weight over the past fourteen months. I didnt notice how much was falling off as it was falling until I saw what I really looked like at my worst:

To:

Not too shabby if I say so myself. The first picture was way pre diet. I was about 350 in that one. Over the months that followed that picture i lost about 20 pounds before I really started my diet. I am now 238 and still going.

Oh and by the way, my first post as a guest blogger was published today. I am kinda proud of the work I did on that one, just real life stuff as my diluted mind sees it.

Well thats about it for this day, and may tommorow be even better. Heres hoping all your faces have smiles!

A day of doing less than nothing???????

Well I tried, really I did. I got called out on an errand to pick up one of our cooks from his hospital stay (gosh alot of people I know have been sick lately) but that was no more exertion than walking to the car. When I got back I watched an entire movie (first time in a year) then wached the Marlins game on TV. that was pretty good, but then I got busy. I had an admission to the program that was very apprehensive about doing it, that was an emotional moment with the crying mother and unhappy son (where have I heard that story before) and I decided to play cards again tonight. Not much running around, which is good because my leg is still swollen and my knee now hurts.

I have diagnosed myself though for all you webmd physicians out there. I had been going to the gym six day per week and running on the treadmill prior to my surgery, now I am not doing nearly what I was and I dont think my leg likes it. Therefore tommorow I shall go to the Walmart with my sick mother and walk around like nothing ever happened. Maybe that will do the trick. We are taking her car as I still cant lift anything over ten pounds because of the stitches in my gut. Her car has the handy dandy scotter lifter thingy so I will not have to pick it up.

And thats about my day, I know boring.... well you all suggested I do nothing. Anyway, heres hoping all your faces have smiles!

The ups and downs

Well today was a move in the wrong direction in my recovery. When I went to bed last night I was feeling a little feverish, and when I woke up I was a lot feverish and couldn't think straight. Also my left leg was noticeably bigger than the right. I was very concerned as I thought things were getting better faster then expected.

I called Dr. Wacks and he told me to come in. By the time I had gotten there my fever had broke, but I was still a bit confused and my leg was swollen. I was even instructed by my boss to take someone with me, which I didnt really want to do, but I did. I am glad I did too because it turned out to be more than a quick trip to the doctors office.

Dr. Wacks siad he didnt think there was anything wrong with my leg except my inability to follow directions and stay off it, but just in case he told me to go to the hospital and have an ultrasound. Turns out he was right and it was my inability to follow directions, go figure. So my travel compainion and I went to the hospital and sat for about 45 minutes until my procedure. I thought they would put the ultrasound thingy on my calf and be done with it, but the first words I hear from the super good looking technician with the southern accent were "you'll need to take off your pants". She is lucky I was not feeling well because there was a litany of smartass comments that I could have rattled off at that point.

Test came back negative and home I went. Tonight I played my normal card game for Friday, but tommorow I am planning on doing less than nothing, if the kiddies will let me anyway. Well its midnight and time for bed so, heres hoping all your faces have smiles.

Getting Better

Well, I have to say all things considered today was a good day in the whole recovery from the surgery. It was about 6:30PM when it dawned on me that I went too hard today and called it quits. Not too shabby, but I am over tired right now. I was not able to sleep last night because I wanted to sleep in my bed and just could not get comfortable. Tonight I shall return to sleeping in my lazyboy until my gut feels better.

I decided to cancel my interview at the jail for tommorow, going through the security check point is just too much. I reshceduled it for Monday, three more days should make the difference on that kinda stuff. I also can not wear dress pants yet as the wound is right on my belt line, so unless I want to imitate the teenagers with the droopy drawers I have to wear loose fitting stuff that does not put a belt on my waist.

Other than that all is pretty darn good here. Well back to my easy chair, heres hoping all your faces have smiles

Surgery, the aftermath

Well as noted by a post coming after my surgery, all went well. It was exacly as it should have been, the folks controling my body while the surgeon worked actually listened when I warned tham about my history. They chose a different option for sedation.

So I was outta there at 12:30 on my way home. The doctor prescribed percocet for the pain, but I shredded the script. So far I have taken aleve and while I am not pain free, it is manageable. We shall see tommorow as I can still feel the effects of  Propofol. I will let you know. Dr. Wacks told me to call him if aleve does not work and he will do something better for someone in my life situation than percocet.

I am still a bit loopy so I am cutting it short. Heres hoping all your faces have smiles

Moments of uncomfort

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

I have said that prayer thaousands of times in my life, sometimes knowing what it truly means and how it applies to a situation, and others just to say the words because it is a simple yet powerful prayer. Tonight i need that prayer, and I know why. As I type I am six hours away from walking into the hospital for surgery. That sounds inocent enough, walking in on my own power for a surgery that has been planned for over a month, BUT the last time I walked into this same hospital for surgery that was routine it ended up not so routine. The surgery went perfect, but the rest was a nightmare that I have relived over and overr in my head for the last couple weeks, even looking for an excuse to cancel it. Eight days after that procedure in which I was supposed to go home the next day, I still looked like this:

(yes I am flipping off the Sarge for taking my picture)

So yes I am a bit scared and looking for the courage to change the things I can. I know that when I walk in the hospital tommorow I can not change what is going to happen. I am sure it will not go like that last surgery did, but if it does or does not I can not control the outcome. I can control my emotions and reactions to the situations of my life, and this is one of those situations.

I guess the stress is warranted, but it is not helping me get through this situation. The only thing that will get me through it is walking through it. I found a quote that I have reread over and over today. It goes like this:

You gain strength, experience and confidence by every experience where you really stop to look fear in the face… You must do the thing you cannot do.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

That said I must walk into that hospital tommorow morning, even though my mind is saying I cannot. It is now 12AM and I must officially stop eating and drinking anything, which is good because I have eaten everything I could get my hands on today. Yes I am a nervious eater.

I want this over, I have not even missed a day at the gym yet and already miss it as I know I wont be able to go for at least a week. The gym has been the best outlet for stress relief I have had in recent memory. I put myself on the treadmill with headphones and no telephones and go. My conditioning has gotten so much better that I have decided to compete in a 5K fun run on my birthday this November. I have gotten to where I know I can complete it, the next four months (after the recovery from surgery) will be spent getting myself able to complete in the time I want, 40 minutes. (I am at 47:15 right now) The race is Sponsored by my friends at "The Treatment Center" (more about them in a minute) to support The Stand Down House, an organization that helps homeless veterans. No matter how I do, its for a good cause!

Now back the The Treatment Center, as I said in my last post I am guest blogging for their blog now. They published my interview today. I wrote my first post and it should be published sometime soon. Writing it got me motivated to come back and write here more often as well. Kinda focusing my world a bit through the insanity that surrounds me.

I am writing this tonight because when I write I get a clearer picture of the world than when I think, so thank you for helping me do that. I have to get up in four and a half hours so thats enough focus for now. Heres hoping all your faces have smiles, I am trying to paste one on myself!