Monday, January 30, 2012

The Day After

You know, I knew that my Father was a very loved man, but I never could have imagined the amount of saddness floating through the world today. Many of you come by here from time to time but I have read blog after blog after facebook post about my Sarge today and I am truly touched. I have cried, I have laughed, I have pouted, and I have smiled today. I guess this will continue for a while to come.

My father has not smoked anything in a couple decades, but he used to enjoy a cigar. Therefore in his honor last night I indulged in a fine Dominican cigar. Three of the guys at Fern House joined me, and as we sat in the courtyard smoking these cigars I described the love that the Sarge had shown for so many years. I described the struggles that he went through with me, and they were many as most of you know. These guys who had never met him listened to my stories in awe of what a great man he was. I described the time we had since I got clean, the four cruises we spent together, the getting together every weekend for family time, and the look he gave me the day he told me hospice was coming when he made sure to tell me exactly how proud he was that I was his son.

I have a void, a void that can not be filled by anything. But when I look outside that selfish emotion of hurt, I realize that my father became the luckiest man in the universe yesterday. Let me explain........
Dad was a soilder, He fought in war, he fought addiction, he fought cancer three different times for the last eleven years of his life. Some of you read Mimi's Peace Blog, well she described that every soldier wants nothing more than peace, Sarge found that peace yesterday. Knowing that he will never fight again makes this unbearable pain sting a little bit less.

I walked into the computer room at Fern House, and one of the guys had found Sarge's blog and made that picture of him with the M-16 from Vietnam the backround picture on the computer. That made me cry again, but I reminded that is one of the fights he will never endure again.

I cant even stand to read back what I have written, I am just typing as fast as can hoping the thoughts will never enter my head again, knowing I wont be able to stop them. I hope this has been something that can be read, although I dont think I will read it for some time.

Once again, THANK YOU ALL for the love you have shown my family


  1. Awww, Chuckie Duck... It the stuff you say from your heart - not your brain - that is the always best. And you said it beautifully.

    Big hugs xoxo

  2. It was very evident of how proud he was of you. You are blessed. The sadness will fade with time and leave us all with only great memories and a legacy of family values and patriotish. Those are the lessons I have learned and will cherish! Wish I could be there on Friday.

  3. Beautiful post Chuck! Hugs to you and all of your family.

  4. Wrap yourself up in the love that I sewed on that quilt. That's a hug from me. He was very proud of you, my dear.

    I've been where you are... still there in away. While you never get over it, it does get easier. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief. Eventually you will find the peace you seek.

    Hugs. lots of love and lots of hugs...

    1. Connect with these feelings of grief. That's what your recovery has taught you to do, and what your Dad would have wanted. Each tear is one of honor, each smile is one of remembrance.
      It's going to be okay. Just figure for about a couple of months you'll be operating in a fog. After my Mom died, I put up her picture, and each week I'd get new flowers. I continued to do that for a long time, until one day, I carried on by remembering her in my heart and feeling happiness.
      By the way, I am sending the donation to you at Fern House.

  5. Spoken from the heart, where it matters. Your dad was very proud of you and your accomplishments. No doubt. He was indeed loved by many. Take consolation in your good memories. And honor Sarge with smiles.

    Big hugs, honey...

  6. I didn't say goodbye to you today Chuck ... Let me say here that your dad was TRULY proud of you! We ALL knew that pride ... and were proud of you, too! Continue to do your good work and take care of your beautiful mom. I am honored to have had the chance to say a few words today ... hope they made sense. Sending you and Cat and the whole family my love!

  7. Chuck - You know he must be very proud of you right now. I know this has been a difficult and emotional ride for all of you.

    Praying that you bring strength to your mother and more pride to your father - who is now in Heaven enjoying the fruits of his labor and a well-deserved rest.

    He will be missed in our blogosphere world too. I learned when my dad passed a couple of years ago that writing out my feelings helped immensely. You've written a beautiful post here.
    Keep writing.

    Praying for you to be overcome with mountains of peace in the days ahead.