Thursday, March 31, 2011

Thursday in paradise

Ok, so I know it's been a week since I last posted, I've been in kind of a writers funk and just didn't feel like sharing much of anything. Well today that has changed! I got the absolutely best news I have heard in a very long time today.

Most of you know the sarge, or as i call him the fatherly parental unit....Well the sarge has just had the worst luck with his health in the past few years. 2009 he gets diagnosed with lymphoma and goes on chemo therapy with the intention of killing it....which it did. When he went for the 6 month scan after the chemo treatment his doctor told him the lymphoma is gone, but you have lung cancer. Sucks right, but he sucks it up and schedules surgery to have a portion of his lung removed, problem solved right? Sounds good but no. On the post surgery scan they find that the lung cancer had spread from the lungs into the bones in his back. His and everyone else's spirit was tested and I can't remember crying as much as I did that week.....but I never stopped believing that he, with Gods help of course could pull through this, just wasn't sure if he was up to the fight. Well Tuesday he went for a full body scan and much to our surprise there was no new tumors and the tumors that were present had shrunk! Therefore the doctor discontinued the chemo treatments for now. They may start a much lower dose version of the chemo in a couple months, but this marks the first time the sarge has had a doctor give him good news in years.

To all his friends and mine who have been praying for him I genuinely thank you for those thoughts, and don't stop now cause he is not completely out of the woods on this.... But at least he can see the sun and blue sky's!there has been more stuff going on in my world but that's for later, today is the sarge's day!

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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Well a happy Thursday to you all! I know I promised to be back on Tuesday, but I have been feeling like stir fried turds lately and just really kinda laid low. I haven't been taking calls or anything much social, sick just sucks. Last night was the first time I left the house since Monday, getting to the Fern for my normal Wednesday meeting. I was hoping to go see the parental units today, but with the sarge recovering from a chemo treatment I can't risk being contagious around him.

I haven't been able to work on those changes that I was talking about Monday because of how I have felt, but if I am any better tomorrow I hope to venture out to do some footwork. More will be reviled. Worst case scenario I get chopping on it Monday.

Well folks since I can't think straight right now I think that's all the rambling I will do. Here's hoping all your faces have smiles and my sinuses clear!

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Monday, March 21, 2011


You know, life is full of changes. We are constantly evolving as people, constantly changing, and constantly resisting. I know I find myself resisting to the point of causing chaos and drama.

This brings me to the point of today's post, and I have to be vague which I hate doing, there will be more details to come at a later date. I hate changes in my routine! When it comes time to make a change it brings up massive amounts of anxiety and fear, two emotions that I know are created from within and just not real.....but they are real for that moment in time. When the time comes that a change is necessary, I resist because with life changes have in the past came sobriety date changes which is just NOT an option. So maybe you now understand why I have the fear I am experiencing right now.

As I stated in the beginning I resist the changes until resisting causes chaos in my life, well that's where I am now, so much so that I am beginning to have have fear of not changing.

You know when I got sober, there was a sign hanging on the wall at the Fern House that read "when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change, we will change". This always made sense to me when it came to early recovery because an addict doesn't really want to stop using drugs and alcohol, we just want the pain to stop. I quit using drugs for two reasons; first they stopped working, meaning they didn't numb the feelings I was trying to medicate. Second, they caused even greater pain and I just couldn't take it anymore. I can honestly tell you all that if the drugs had not quit working I would still be using them. The negative consequences of not changing became overwhelming so I had to seek another alternative.

Everything I do in my life today is a part of that alternative, and I mean everything. I work two jobs in the field of recovery, I am going to school to become an addiction counselor, I go back to the Fern House weekly, work with four sponsee's, and still find time for a few meetings a week and a little bit of fun..... I stay busy right???? And I do that for a reason, it has been working. For over two years I have not had an overwhelming desire to use drugs and that has made it all worth while, no regrets!

The thing is, I am finding a few things that are just not complete. One of those areas are getting to the point of not being rewarding anymore. I have really struggled with this trying as hard as I can to pull that reward out of it, but it's gone. I must say I am sad about this, but honestly I feel like I have done my due diligence and it's just not there for me anymore. A friend asked me the other day "how did it take you so long to get to this point" as apparently I am not the only one feeling this struggle, feeling the stress in every muscle in my body. I responded that I find rewards in places that other people find pain, but lifting that rock to look under it I am finding pain not pleasure.

Secondly upon thinking about it, the only person I even interact with that is not a recovering addict is my mother and I am starting to need a little more social interaction with people that are not physically, spiritually and most important emotionally f'ing sick. I feel like I am getting to the point that just staying clean isn't enough, I need more, I need to grow further. I believe today the drug problem is solved, I just need to start working on the living problem.

So you see there are some things that need to change. I write this as I sit quietly praying for god to help me face those fears I have. The AA big book calls fear "an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it". That book also goes on to explain that faith is the opposite of fear, and I believe that today. My faith in god is what will carry me through the certain trials ahead as long as I remember (again quoting the AA text) "Faith without works is dead", so there is some footwork needed on my part.

I am confident in who I am as a person, for the first time in my life I'm not cocky, just confident. Thrilled for how far I have come, but wanting to reach out and grab hold of the stars. Just sitting here writing this I feel this spirit flowing through me, knowing those stars are within reach. I am not sure if any of this makes sense to you, but it has focused me like a laser beam on what needs to be thank you for helping with that.

The funny thing is none of this was what I was planning on writing, I guess it just needed to come out of me. Today's original subject is I guess for tomorrow.... Till then here's hoping all tour faces have smiles, I can say right now mine does!

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Happy wednesday

Ok, so I want to thank all of you who answered yesterday's question, more about that in a moment. Did any of you guys happen to watch the celebrity roast of Donald Trump last night? I always watch these roasts when they are on because I love to laugh, but this was really not one of my favorites. I think the best part was watching The Situation from Jersey Shore completely bomb. I don't like it when comedians bomb out like that, but as I really don't like this guy so I took a certain pleasure. The Don did announce on the roast that he was definitely running for president, something I only heard him hint about. What does it say about the state of our nation that someone talks about being the president on the same broadcast that the second most talked about subject was how many black men Lisa Lamponelli has slept with? Yes the whole night made a lot of money for charity, but I don't really think that was the right forum for someone to talk about being a leader. I'm just sayin'.

Today being Wednesday I would normally be gearing up for a trip to the Fern House, but this week I have to miss it for a class. I'm taking a class on family issues with regard to substance abuse, otherwise known as codependency. This is a truly interesting subject that could be a sixteen week class instead of two nights and still be riveting. Often times in the family of a substance abuser, the substance abuser themselves are the healthiest family member, physically and mentally.

Ok on to yesterday's topic, I want to thank everyone again for the comments. I got some really interesting feedback, some suggestions that I have since taken (Jon and Kanani) and we are going to breakfast when I get off work Saturday morning. I like that we decided to do the first date as a breakfast instead of dinner. Although there is already a relationship in place, it has never been a date, dinner seems to be a more pressured situation where breakfast is more unassuming which should let us be more relaxed, relaxed is good.

She did read the blog, and asked why I left out parts of the conversation. My response was that the post was already longer than I wanted it to be because I write for myself and I like to summarize situations and try to make it easier to read. She also writes, and in my opinion she is a better writer than I am. She does post some very long blogs and keeps it interesting, somehow I feel as though I would loose people if it took ten minutes to read.

Now I want to talk about a particular comment from yesterday. Adri said that maybe the questions of why could come from her insecurities, which is possible. But the part of her comment that "liking someone just because is okay, but it has to be rooted in something deeper because just because doesn't last forever". I agree that absolutely nothing happens without reasons in the universe but you missed my point of the question that I asked. I, and I won't speak for all men just most of us, I don't always need to know what those reasons are. Eventually the reasons do come out in the general course of life, which was my point. I don't always need to go in search of reasons, I find it's more fun to have life reveal them little bits at a time. I think that's because it helps keep things fresh and ever changing, kinda keeps it feeling new longer I think.

Well that's it for now folks, here's hoping all your faces have smiles

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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A question for all of you

Ok, I am officially asking EVERYONE who reads this post to comment as I need your help. I have opened up the comments so anyone can chime in. As most of you know I am back in school with a short term goal of becoming a certified addiction counselor and a long term goal of a bachelors in either psychology of sociology (not sure which yet). I know a few things, and others I am quite clueless. I want to hear from you about something that I am apparently (based on the happenings of this morning) clueless on and I need your help. There will be two questions asked here. First will be to all the women and a second question for the men. Please respond as I am incredibly interested in what all of you think. Even if you see your answer already posted, say it again. I can already see that this information will be kept for use in a future paper to be written for one of my classes, but more important it will aid me in understanding a problem I have right now.

About now your probably wondering what the heck is on my mind that has me all but begging for input...... Well here it is......

I was having a conversation this morning with a female friend that I have had a crush on for some time. This crush dates back over three and a half years. The reasons for it were i thought we were a lot alike. I liked her sarcastic sense of humor, the way she carried herself, just who she was. Now I never acted upon these feelings because when it began my life was in absolute turmoil and I didn't want to bring her down the road I was traveling. When I got clean two years ago she was the person who talked me out of leaving the fern house before I completed my commitment. I wanted to leave so bad, but she was there for me and convinced me how stupid an idea that was. She also used a bit of a guilt trip, but looking back I am grateful to her because that quite possibly is part of the reason I am still above ground. Well we started talking again recently and it started as her looking for advice with a new man in her life that didn't end up working out. I got a message from her yesterday on Facebook asking for some more advice. Heres where it gets good: she was on a date with this guy this weekend and having a good time, but couldn't get her mind off another guy. So being the friend, and to give good advice to her I asked who the other guy was and she said it was me. This kinda floored me and it took about an hour for me to regroup my thoughts and respond. When I gathered myself I admitted to those feelings of three and a half years and we talked for quite a while last night and again this morning. All sounds pretty good so far eh? Well this morning she asked a question that I didn't have an answer too. I guess the real answer is all the things I have already said here, but as a guy I have been conditioned to expect questions from women that have no correct answer so I hesitate to tell her (well until she reads this I guess).

She asked me why I like her. Again I think I have stated most of the answers so far but it brings me to the point where I ask for input. My immediate response was because I do, which was so far from adequate that I can't explain. There had to be some in depth reasoning why and at that moment the reason was just simply that I do. Now the difference of opinion on weather that was an acceptable response leads me to you for help. So the next paragraph is for the ladies, guys feel free to skip down to the one that follows as it's for you.

Ok ladies, here it is...... Is it ever ok to like something or someone, or just be happy without micro-examination of why you feel that way. Can just being happy be enough, or must you understand why your happy?

Now guys, this is for you.... Do you ever micro-examine why your feeling pleasure, or do you just experience the feeling for what it is and sit back and enjoy?

You know they say most people who get into psychology do so in an effort to fix themselves, and to some extent I agree with that. The question I am asking myself right now is am I not in touch with my feelings or am I just being a guy on this.

Ok, for that special someone... To answer your question, reread the part about you, that's why I like you. BUT if you choose to comment, which I hope you do your only allowed to answer the question as it was posed and you will be introduced to everyone else at a later date.

To the rest of you, a secondary question, does a half a chromosome really make this much difference?

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Sunday, March 13, 2011

The arrogance of mankind

Well hello everyone, you know I have been watching the news coming out of Japan like most of you. My thoughts and prayers go out to the people living in this disaster area. It seems like it is probable that this thing will just keep getting worse. That is what I would like to talk about today.

I have to admit, I'm angry. This disaster could become so much worse because of the arrogance of man. In our never ending desire to improve we often do not stop to think if improvement is a good idea. In my opinion to build a nuclear power plant on a fault line takes a special kind of stupidity.

The power plants in Japan were designed to withstand a 7.0 earthquake, pretty good eh? Not when you consider that they are in a region that regularly has stronger quakes, and considering they are right on the coast line and strong earthquakes have been causing tsunamis since the dawn of time it is not nearly good enough. To be so arrogant to think that this was not a strong possibility amazes me.earthquakes over 7.0 happen every single year, sometimes several times a year. I mean this area had a 7.2 earthquake just two days before the big one, ten aftershocks over 7.0 since.

I understand that we are always looking for a better way to produce energy, and nuclear energy can be clean, effective, and it takes small amounts of nuclear material to produce decades of energy for an area. Add to that the amount of pollution coming from the average nuclear power plant is so low that it makes nuclear power very attractive, BUT if we think that this type of thing will not happen then it shows us exactly how stupid our so called smart people are.

As a spices we spent the first few million years trying to live as one with the planet we live on. For some reason in the last hundred and fifty years we decided that we would be able to control the planet we live on in the name of progress. In some ways we have come a long way, but our earth has the power to knock us back to caveman technology at will.

Earthquakes will continue to happen long after people are extinct, tsunamis will continue to happen long after people are extinct. The real question I have is..... Will our desire to be stronger than the planet we live on be what makes us extinct?

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Happy Thursday

Well I know it's been a week since I checked in here and for that I'm sorry, but this has been one of the most troubling weeks ever. There was the three day stretch where I got a wake up phone call to inform me that someone special in my life had passed away.
First there was Mario, a 72 year old man who was one of the kindest, giving people I have ever met. He was the first face anyone saw when they walked in the front door of the Fern House. Mario had been sick lately, and I guess it was just his time. He lived life the way he wanted, and helped hundreds of addicts and alcoholics start the road to recovery. That was the Saturday morning phone call which came an hour after I got home from work. Needless to say I didn't do much sleeping before going to work Sunday night.
Monday morning the phone rang again, this time it was about the loss of Mikey D. Mike was a comedian, and a recovering addict. He did many shows for free to benefit places like the Fern House, and several of the local clubhouses in the area. Mike was a headline comedian who was a finalist on the NBC show "The Last Comic Standing". Mike was 44 years old and died 12 years clean from a massive heart attack.
Monday night I got a phone call from a friend named Nikki. She called tell me that her fiancé Jeffery Parrish was in the hospital for a minor heart attack and asked if I would come visit to raise his spirits the next morning. I of course said yes as Jeff was a close friend for several years. I called her back an hour later to find out the visiting hours when she informed me he had had another heart attack and was now on life support. Jeff passed away at 430 in the morning Tuesday.
This has been a very sad week which continued Wednesday night at the Fern House. One of the two gentlemen who had expressed an interest in investing in the treatment center I want to open took the first check from his trust account and went to smoke crack. It's sad that it means he probably will not invest, but much worse that he has enough money to kill himself, and probably will. I have decided to table the idea of the treatment center for a little while, I just don't think the time is right.
The one thing I can and am happy to say is all three friends who passed, did so clean and sober! I guess that means each of them won the fight about sobriety.
Well that's it for now, maybe next time I won't post such depressing stuff. I hope you all have a great day

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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Great news!

Well folks, there is some great news in one of the big projects I have on my mind. It looks like the treatment center may happen sooner that I had thought. I have put together a group of people who are very interested in making this thing happen. The biggest hurdle in any new business is of course finance, right? Of course it is. Lots of people have interest in opening a business, but they either lack the drive or the money to get it off the ground. Well I love the idea that we have, and I am committed to the idea. Willing to give all of myself to this project. But that is not enough, banks don't loan money for startup costs because your motivated. Not to mention the fact that in my own addiction I screwed my credit so bad that it was out of reach................

BUT, when the motives are right, the cosmos are lined up just so, and the effort is big enough, you just might be able to climb any hurdle! In this last week we have found two people who are looking for an investment, something to put a bunch of money into, and just wait for the rewards at the bank. That's right they don't even want a say in how the business runs, because they know what they don't know and they don't know how to run this type of business.

The idea that we have is unlike any treatment facility that I have ever heard of because we are talking about incorporating somethings that no other facility does. I believe this has the potential to revolutionize the entire industry. I am finding this whole thing very exciting and looking forward to seeing which way god pushes this project next!

I promise more details will come your way as soon as I can, till then here's hoping all your faces have smiles. You can bet mine does!

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