You know, life is full of changes. We are constantly evolving as people, constantly changing, and constantly resisting. I know I find myself resisting to the point of causing chaos and drama.
This brings me to the point of today's post, and I have to be vague which I hate doing, there will be more details to come at a later date. I hate changes in my routine! When it comes time to make a change it brings up massive amounts of anxiety and fear, two emotions that I know are created from within and just not real.....but they are real for that moment in time. When the time comes that a change is necessary, I resist because with life changes have in the past came sobriety date changes which is just NOT an option. So maybe you now understand why I have the fear I am experiencing right now.
As I stated in the beginning I resist the changes until resisting causes chaos in my life, well that's where I am now, so much so that I am beginning to have have fear of not changing.
You know when I got sober, there was a sign hanging on the wall at the Fern House that read "when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change, we will change". This always made sense to me when it came to early recovery because an addict doesn't really want to stop using drugs and alcohol, we just want the pain to stop. I quit using drugs for two reasons; first they stopped working, meaning they didn't numb the feelings I was trying to medicate. Second, they caused even greater pain and I just couldn't take it anymore. I can honestly tell you all that if the drugs had not quit working I would still be using them. The negative consequences of not changing became overwhelming so I had to seek another alternative.
Everything I do in my life today is a part of that alternative, and I mean everything. I work two jobs in the field of recovery, I am going to school to become an addiction counselor, I go back to the Fern House weekly, work with four sponsee's, and still find time for a few meetings a week and a little bit of fun..... I stay busy right???? And I do that for a reason, it has been working. For over two years I have not had an overwhelming desire to use drugs and that has made it all worth while, no regrets!
The thing is, I am finding a few things that are just not complete. One of those areas are getting to the point of not being rewarding anymore. I have really struggled with this trying as hard as I can to pull that reward out of it, but it's gone. I must say I am sad about this, but honestly I feel like I have done my due diligence and it's just not there for me anymore. A friend asked me the other day "how did it take you so long to get to this point" as apparently I am not the only one feeling this struggle, feeling the stress in every muscle in my body. I responded that I find rewards in places that other people find pain, but lifting that rock to look under it I am finding pain not pleasure.
Secondly upon thinking about it, the only person I even interact with that is not a recovering addict is my mother and I am starting to need a little more social interaction with people that are not physically, spiritually and most important emotionally f'ing sick. I feel like I am getting to the point that just staying clean isn't enough, I need more, I need to grow further. I believe today the drug problem is solved, I just need to start working on the living problem.
So you see there are some things that need to change. I write this as I sit quietly praying for god to help me face those fears I have. The AA big book calls fear "an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it". That book also goes on to explain that faith is the opposite of fear, and I believe that today. My faith in god is what will carry me through the certain trials ahead as long as I remember (again quoting the AA text) "Faith without works is dead", so there is some footwork needed on my part.
I am confident in who I am as a person, for the first time in my life I'm not cocky, just confident. Thrilled for how far I have come, but wanting to reach out and grab hold of the stars. Just sitting here writing this I feel this spirit flowing through me, knowing those stars are within reach. I am not sure if any of this makes sense to you, but it has focused me like a laser beam on what needs to be done.....so thank you for helping with that.
The funny thing is none of this was what I was planning on writing, I guess it just needed to come out of me. Today's original subject is I guess for tomorrow.... Till then here's hoping all tour faces have smiles, I can say right now mine does!
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