Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference
I have said that prayer thaousands of times in my life, sometimes knowing what it truly means and how it applies to a situation, and others just to say the words because it is a simple yet powerful prayer. Tonight i need that prayer, and I know why. As I type I am six hours away from walking into the hospital for surgery. That sounds inocent enough, walking in on my own power for a surgery that has been planned for over a month, BUT the last time I walked into this same hospital for surgery that was routine it ended up not so routine. The surgery went perfect, but the rest was a nightmare that I have relived over and overr in my head for the last couple weeks, even looking for an excuse to cancel it. Eight days after that procedure in which I was supposed to go home the next day, I still looked like this:
(yes I am flipping off the Sarge for taking my picture)
So yes I am a bit scared and looking for the courage to change the things I can. I know that when I walk in the hospital tommorow I can not change what is going to happen. I am sure it will not go like that last surgery did, but if it does or does not I can not control the outcome. I can control my emotions and reactions to the situations of my life, and this is one of those situations.
I guess the stress is warranted, but it is not helping me get through this situation. The only thing that will get me through it is walking through it. I found a quote that I have reread over and over today. It goes like this:
You gain strength, experience and confidence by every experience where you really stop to look fear in the face… You must do the thing you cannot do. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
That said I must walk into that hospital tommorow morning, even though my mind is saying I cannot. It is now 12AM and I must officially stop eating and drinking anything, which is good because I have eaten everything I could get my hands on today. Yes I am a nervious eater.
I want this over, I have not even missed a day at the gym yet and already miss it as I know I wont be able to go for at least a week. The gym has been the best outlet for stress relief I have had in recent memory. I put myself on the treadmill with headphones and no telephones and go. My conditioning has gotten so much better that I have decided to compete in a 5K fun run on my birthday this November. I have gotten to where I know I can complete it, the next four months (after the recovery from surgery) will be spent getting myself able to complete in the time I want, 40 minutes. (I am at 47:15 right now) The race is Sponsored by my friends at "The Treatment Center" (more about them in a minute) to support The Stand Down House, an organization that helps homeless veterans. No matter how I do, its for a good cause!
Now back the The Treatment Center, as I said in my last post I am guest blogging for their blog now. They published my interview today. I wrote my first post and it should be published sometime soon. Writing it got me motivated to come back and write here more often as well. Kinda focusing my world a bit through the insanity that surrounds me.
I am writing this tonight because when I write I get a clearer picture of the world than when I think, so thank you for helping me do that. I have to get up in four and a half hours so thats enough focus for now. Heres hoping all your faces have smiles, I am trying to paste one on myself!